dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
