Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
