Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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