Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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