woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
