I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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