Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
