I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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