I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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