Please, let me fuck your mom
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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