I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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