In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
