My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
