I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
