I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
