...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Don't make out with my wife yet
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
