The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
