and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
