when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
