I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someone shattered a urinal.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
