working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
