what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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