nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
