Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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