We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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