My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
