I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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