OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
