My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
