I showed him my bush... on skype.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
