he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
