Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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