I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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