My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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