I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
