It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
