your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
