Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
