Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
