hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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