Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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