I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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