ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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