So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
