the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
