I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
