So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
