Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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