Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
