Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
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