got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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