Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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