Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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