once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
