If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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