you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
