I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
