Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
