my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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