capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
