well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
