where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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